Saturday, April 16, 2005

Not enough time in the day

As usual, I've bitten off more than I can chew and overestimated how much I can do. I forget that there are only 24 hours in a day. I've been in lab about 12 hours a day for 2 weeks now. I'm drained of energy when I come home. Here it is Saturday, and I'm in lab. Saturday night, excuse me. The rest of the day, I volunteered for the House Rabbit Society and cleaned bunny cages.
Right now, my career is top priority. I need to do my best at these interviews. I leave for San Diego Thursday. 5 interviews, one right after the other. I've never done anything like this before. I'm terrified. I have a lot of preparation to do. Research the labs, prepare questions, predict questions, prepare a fluid talk, and do it for 5 very different labs.
At the same time, I have a very important, probably the most important, committee meeting on the 10th of May. They will tell me if I can defend in time to move with Jason to San Diego. Or, if I have to wait until later in the fall and stay in St. Louis while Jason begins his graduate program in San Diego. Or, if they have no fucking clue when I'm ever going to graduate. So, I have to prepare that talk, convince them I should go in August, and do as much goddamn possible research as I can between now and then to wow them with all my data. And pray that the adipocytes cooperate. The bastards. Differentiate! Differentiate! Please! I'll feed you extra serum. Anything. Anything.
So, my triathlon training has taken a backseat for now. God, my body is craving a good workout session. I want to be achy and sore and exhausted. Physically exhausted. I hate the achy and mental exhaustion. There's just not enough time in the day for everything.
All I can do is the best I can. I will do what I can. If I'm not in the shape I was in last summer, that's okay (and I'm not). I feel myself slipping away, and I have to let it go. I am confident I will get it all back and more once everything settles down into a pattern again. I have to be patient and fight this overwhelming anxiety that's been plaguing me; it exhausts me needlessly.
I'm worried about the triathlons I'm doing this season. My goal is just to finish and not die in the process. I won't be as strong as last year and I have to accept that. It's SO hard because I know I can be better. I'm not used to doing something at less than 100%. I try so hard to have my cake and eat it too; I hate picking and choosing. But I will have my cake and eat it too in the end. You'll see. Give it time.


G-Man said...

After reading this post I was exhausted. As well, my BP was elevated. Unlike yourself, I move through life as I move through dreams: peaceful detachment, watchful of magical moments, childlike anticipation of things that could be.
Having completed my formal education (B.A., B.Ed., M.Ed.), I am free of academic deadlines and frazzled brain cells.
My task at this point in my life is to find a measure of peace for the child who still lives behind my eyes; a child who was damaged by a family environment that tried, but failed, to bury his ability to love.
Good luck with your education and may you have many moments in your life as wonderful as that captured on camera in winter with you and your horse.
I travel on:)

Rachel said...

Good luck to you as well. Thank you for visiting my blog. I hope you will continue to look in from time to time. I will probably never be free of academic deadlines if I choose the route of professor. Who knows. But, are we ever free of deadlines anyway? I'm one of those who isn't happy unless I'm stressed and doing a million things at once.