Periods suck!

For the squemish or faint of heart, you may want to skip this post. Be advised, some graphic descriptions are to follow.
Can I just say that being a woman sucks sometimes! I feel like my periods last all freakin' month! One week of PMS. One week of period. One week of ovulation cramps. Suck. Suck. Suck ass. I just love gaining a pound overnight for no reason and feeling like a huge pig for eating half a bag of semi-sweet chocolate chips and Rocky Road ice cream with Hershey's syrup.
I had quite the adventure this morning when I discovered I was out of tampons. It's like a bad addiction I can't quit. I hunted all over the house for a secret stash. I knew I had to have some somewhere. I just needed 1 to get me through the morning before I could get to the store. I finally found some in the bottom of an old suitcase. They were a little smushed and bent up, but still useable. However, my make-shift pad didn't quite do the trick, and I spent the next 20 minutes retracing my steps with the bottle of Woolite pet stain remover (normally for bunny accidents) and a rag, vigorously cleaning up spots of blood splattered on the rug and bathroom floor. I don't even have a chance to dry off after the shower! It looked like I had butchered a small animal. Lots of fun.
I managed to find some tampons at a liquor store, thank God. The slim pinks are a joke. The yellow normals are for lucky gals who don't know what the real curse is like. The super greens are for me before the i.u.d. And, now, the orange super "plus" tampons are the only ones that last more than 2 hours. One time, a friend asked to borrow a tampon. I gave her an orange one, and she freaked out. "How can you use these missiles?" she asked me. Believe me, boys. In case you're getting funny ideas. I do not enjoy it.
I'm sitting here, feeling like I'm wearing a diaper and popping Advil like tic tacs, doubled over in pain from random cramping stabs in my abdomen and back. My body is revolting as I fend off oily hair, pimples, weight gain, and crazy cravings for greasy hamburgers and loads of chocolate. Let's just say that I don't feel pretty.