Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Exciting new changes

I hate to admit this, but I am having a totally unproductive day at work. I've been procrastinating. Ugh. I know I'll hate myself later for doing it. I was supposed to do a 16-hour protein purification today and have been putting it off. Now it's early afternoon, and I'm panicking b/c I don't want to be here until 4 a.m. I'm debating whether to gut it out or just plan everything carefully and put it off until tomorrow. I'm leaning towards the latter. Only thing is, I have to make up an excuse to my P.I. This is a wonderful way for a senior graduate student to act.
My mind has been wandering. I can't sleep at night. I'm too excited. I feel happy and in control. It's not that I'm actually lazy. I just feel a little overwhelmed. I think I'll spend today planning and preparing to salvage the day and make it somewhat productive and then launch into bench work tomorrow.
I think I've chosen my postdoc lab, and I'm too scared to admit it. I'm thinking of e-mailing the P.I. today and getting the decision over with. I've even had dreams about this. It's all about following gut feelings.
We will find our apartment soon as well. We're getting phone calls from the leasing managers about units for rent. I dreamt about one last night. It was being remodeled and we were touring the unfinished building. I remember having a hard time walking because the floor was made of a rubbery, foam-like substance, and it was undulating from the wind. I think there's some strong symbolism there about feeling unsteady on my feet.
I finished the photos of the house. We're making a video tour of the place tomorrow. It's spotless right now, and I love it. Then, I get to begin phase b of packing. (There are, of course, several phases). I can't wait. Packing and unpacking is like the ultimate organizing. I get to put everything into neat little piles and keep only the essentials. Trash, goodwill, sell, store, or new place.
Then, at the new place, there is so much potential. I get to put everything away for the first time. Everything has it's place. Nothing is ever as clean as after I first unpack. I wipe all the empty drawers with a damp rag to make everything pristine. All items get dusted or washed before putting them away. I get so much satisfaction when I'm all done, and I've made my new home. I love to open and close all the drawers afterwards just to see everything in it's place. It's the ultimate OCD coming out. I am very excited about doing this. I know. It's weird.
I've updated my lists a few times. I'm on track. But I feel like I'm missing something. This is free-floating anxiety, and it's my most dreaded emotion. It's the feeling of impending doom without any reason for feeling like that. Sometimes it's minor, like I forgot something, turning on the alarm, turning off the coffee pot or something. Sometimes it's much worse--someone's going to die, or the house is going to burn down. Luckily, it's only about a 1 on a scale of 1-10, with 1 being the lowest (forgetting to turn off the coffee pot). By the way, I've never forgotten to do those things before so why do I worry about them? I know, rationally, that it's silly but emotionally, I can't help it. I know it's because I'm so excited about all the changes going on in my life.


Kevin said...

i love moving...i cant wait, i should be moving in a year or so.

there is something about having a nice, neat, organized home to start off with...everything in a good starting place...and everything cleaned.

i moved my apartment around last summer, just so i could clean behind the entertainment center and such.

i also like getting to know a new area...which grocery store i will use, which restaurants i will go to, what gym i will use, etc...

Rachel said...

you sound just like me. I love the potential, the fresh start. It's like starting over and doing it right.