I have so much on my mind. I can't focus. Part of it, I know, is that I'm not exercising enough and leaving too much time to think. All I can think about is San Diego, but that's not happening for almost 6 months. I don't want to waste 6 months of my life waiting for the future but I'm having a really hard time staying the present moment. I know it's all about the process of getting there but I really just wish I was there. That I'd already written my thesis and defended. Ugh. I have to do all that. So much pressure.
I feel like there's so many things I have to do that I'm incapacitated and overwhelmed. I don't know where to start. I do but I don't have the energy b/c I'm wasting it all on worrying about the future. I'm so excited it's maddening. I need to focus on the present moment.
I'm also in constant pursuit of the "perfect week." I know I shouldn't use that word b/c it's a very difficult standard to live up to but I can't help it. I had a perfect week once. About 3 months ago. I got everything on my lists done and had a Saturday wide open. Jason and I went out and did whatever we wanted spontaneously. The feelings of ecstasy and satisfaction were surreal.
And now I'm getting depressed because I'm not living up to these expectations. I keep falling short, week after week, and it's unacceptable. But it's Monday. A fresh start. Maybe this week will be perfect. Maybe I will be super-productive in lab, at home, and accomplish many things on all of my to-do lists (yes, I have several). Not only that, but I will accomplish all my workouts: 4 runs (1 of them long), 3 swims (1 of them long), 2-3 bikes (BFC ride this weekend), 2 weight-lifting sessions, and 1 Yoga stretching session. I can only hope. Or go crazy trying.