I Am A Big (Self-Defeated) Chicken

By Friday, I was really grumpy from taking so much time off for my knee and rib. I decided to do something; if coughing and sneezing hurt my ribs, how much worse could a run and bike be? I got on the trainer. Then, I jumped on the treadmill. I was planning on going 4 miles, but I stopped after 3.25 after the knee pain started up. Ugh. This is so frustrating. At least I got a good workout in. Endurance-wise, I felt fine. This morning, my knee felt fine, which is a good sign. My ribs actually feel a bit better today too.

When I was getting a rack for the back of my commuter bike at the local bike shop on Friday, I was invited to go on their Saturday "C" ride with the San Diego Bike Club. One of the people was a female triathlete so I was encouraged. Plus, the ride started from the shop, which was an easy 1 mile ride from the apartment. So last night, I froze a water bottle, lay out my clothes, cleaned my bike, lubed my chain, and pumped up the tires. I was pumped.

Then, the alarm went off at 6:30, and I totally flaked. First off, I was totally exhausted from the workout the night before and was sleeping hard. Second, there had been a steady rain all night, and the sky was overcast with continuing drizzle.

However, it wasn't that bad but it all started mounting up. The real reason? I chickened out. The ride was going to be paceline-style, which I've never done before and am totally intimidated by. The ride I was planning on doing was supposed to be for beginners like me with a group leader who would coach me through it. But that intimdated me too. I just wanted to ride. I didn't want to have to think about everyone else too. Plus, for triathlon, we can't draft, so how is it applicable? I know, I know--bike handling skills, you can go farther and faster off a draft and still get a great workout. But I just freaked out. They had handed me this little sheet with their ride guidelines. Their "easy" C ride was still going 35 miles at 15-18 mph. I probably could do it, but I normally have been going 20-25 miles by myself. I can go about 16-17 mph on the flat, but up hills? Nope. Usually, I end up averaging about 14 mph. Plus, with my injured rib, I was worried I would get out there, and make it worse.

I could see it now--I would be holding everyone back. Because it was a beginner ride, they wouldn't drop me; they would wait for me, which is worse. I'd be like drop me, drop me, please; it's okay. They would be glaring back at me, whispering to each other, "Who invited her?" Then they would yell out, "Just pedal faster! C'mon!" I would be humilated, come home crying, and never ride again. Maybe I'm exaggerating but a combination of total social anxiety kept me home. I've never been good at team sports.

In the end, I should have packed the bike on the back of the car and trekked up to Solana Beach to go on a more beginner-friendly, non-draft style 18 mile bike ride with the Triathlon Club. Again, I was worried about the ribs. Sigh. I looked into some of the more "relaxing" touring-style riding clubs in the area. They think a social ride is 45 miles. Hello! Why can't someone do a fun group ride for 20-25 miles at about 14 mph? Why is that so wrong. I feel very self-defeated.

To make matters worse, the running "specialists" at Movin' Shoes totally ripped apart my running form today. I went over there to get their advice on my knee and make sure my shoes fit. All in all, they were pretty helpful, and I feel much more confident that I'm wearing the right shoes and on the road to recovery (recovery is just slow). However, after I tried on some shoes, and ran around the parking lot under their scrutiny, they critiqued my form. They were trying to be helpful, but I think it made it worse. I feel like I can't run now--the easiest, most natural thing in the world. "Your upper body is too stiff. Your calves are too tight. You don't bend your knees enough. You don't swing your shoulders enough." Ack! I had no idea. How do I fix those things? It's bad enough I can't just go out and run without thinking about how soft the terrain will be and then do all the stretching I need to do; now I need to think about how I run. This is going to give me a stitch for sure. I just want to run! That's the beauty of it--it's mental zone-out time. So I came home with my new shoes and instead of going on a ride or a run, I just flopped onto the sofa, feeling completely incompetent. Sigh. I thought this was supposed to be fun and boost my self-confidence.