There's a running pool in lab on when I'll have a nervous breakdown. After weeks of build-up to the party, the party itself turned out to be anti-climatic. Oh, well. I'm trying to get beyond it. You can drag a horse to water.... At least I have a cute little inflatable swimming pool to lounge in now. At least I got to wear a cute outfit and dress up. And the food, drink, and spinning disco ball was awesome, even if no one would dance and everyone left early.
My sister and I had such a blast. It's so neat to spend time with her and have fun as young adults. I loved going shopping with her and going to the Chocolate Bar. She did an aweseme job hanging the balloons for the party. I miss her a lot. I hope she comes and visits me in San Diego.
After she left on Sunday, everything kind of hit me at once. I felt so depressed. I was so tired from lack of sleep. And overwhelmed. I missed my sister and was still kind of bummed about the party. I realized that we were moving in a week. And that Jason would be leaving. My world was spinning.
I've been pretty freaked out since then. I'm finally caught up on sleep so I'm a little more rational (the Lexapro helps too). But I keep screwing up in lab, and I have so much to do that I don't see how it's possible to be done in December. I'm supposed to set a date for the defense this month, but I'm supposed to submit a manuscript first, and I'm still waiting for adipocytes to differentiate, and I'm dependent on this other stupid asshole grad student that my PI decided to put on this project to do the experiments that the paper is waiting for. Every time I express my interest in getting it done quickly, he gives me the run-around and doesn't seem to care or understand my situation. So I'm left wringing my hands. Plus, my other project I'm working on is very exciting but is too big for one person (good and bad, I suppose). And, on top of it all, I keep screwing up!
I can't believe we're packing up the house this weekend. I feel so anxious. I just want to go home and pack. But lab is so busy! I'm freaking out. I'm totally out of my routine after my sister's visit, and that just makes me feel worse. So exercise hasn't happened, and that makes me feel like crap.
Everything is happening too fast. I knew all this was coming so it's not a surprise. What is a surprise is how it hit me all at once. I think I'll feel a lot better after I get into action and start packing up the house and feel more in control. I crave control. I have none right now. I know it's normal to feel the way I do given my situation, and I take comfort in the fact that if I didn't freak out now, I'd store it up and break-down later. In other words, it's okay to be depressed and anxious. But it's not easy.