Thursday, March 16, 2006

Relapse--fighting back

Sorry for the negative posts these last few days. I've been having a major attack of anxiety, which has now turned into full-blown depression. Typical. I love it when this happens. It's so frustrating. I blow everything out of proportion and am ultra sensitive. Someone doesn't say "hi" the right way, and my day is ruined. Just ridiculous. And the whole time, I'm telling myself, "You're being ridiculous." It doesn't matter. I missed exercise of any kind today. That's the 4th day in a row, and I totally beat myself up over it. Here is how NOT to run your day:

1. wake up at 8. decide you don't feel like getting out of bed and lay there in a daze until 9:40 when you can't stand lying down anymore.
2. rush around in a frenzy to get to lab as quickly as possible, feeling panicked the entire time that you're going to get fired.
3. leave apartment 20 minutes after waking with bed un-made (bunnies fed though), hair in ponytail, glasses on, no make-up.
4. Breakfast consists of banana shared with bunnies and latte upon getting to lab.
5. Get right to work and have a rather productive day of isolating RNA, reading, and outlining papers.
6. Let RNA pellets dry too long and have reallly hard-ass time resuspending them.
7. Spec them anyway and get low yields; don't know if it's because pellets aren't resuspended.
8. Decide to try again with the resuspension and spec issue another day.
9. Scramble for lunch at 2:30. Cafeteria's are all closed. Getting car and driving somewhere takes forever. Go to vending machine and buy a breakfast burrito, which I microwave, and eat because I'm starving. It was disgusting.
10. Drink another latte.
11. Skip late afternoon run b/c worried about PI's opinion.
12. Finally head home, feeling guilty about not working hard enough and not meeting expectations.
13. Realize at home I forgot to prepare the overnight incubation of the plate with capture antibody for ELISA. Guess that will have to be delayed a day. Strike 3.
14. In complete panic-mode now. Feed bunnies, eat cereal, fall asleep for 2 hours on couch.
15. Wake up and mope. Jason gives me toast and coffee. Coffee only makes me anxious.
16. 11:30 take a sleeping pill (Ambien) and decide the night is unsalvagable and had been a complete waste.
17. Then decide to try and do something. Change litterboxes, water plants, do clothes, dishes, pay bills, balance checkbook, all as sleeping pill is kicking in.
Note: Balancing checkbook while on sleeping pill is extremely arduous and error-prone.

Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.


Cliff said...

Girl..u need to relax.

As for the job, have faith in your skills. I have mess up a few times as well. Have you ever lost your pay check... I have ;) wasn't funny asking the boss to give me another one.

Try not to take sleeping pill. I know sometimes it is hard and I never have sleeping problems. But I generally stay away from any mediciaton that I don't really need. Exception is cyclosporine b/c I need it for my liver transplant.

Don't worry too much about the exercise. Treat it like it is fun, not a chore. If u feel like it, just go run or bike or swim. If u can't, don' need to feel guilty about it. I just ran this morning. No HRM, no training plan. It felt great.

Meagan said...

Rachel, I just found your blog from another tri site. Ok, so you sound like a carbon copy of me! Maybe it's a graduate student/triathlete thing. I'd like to tell you to relax, but I know how hard that is to do...Hopefully things will get better for you soon! Keep your head up!! You'll get through this, I promise! Feel free to check out my blog:

Erin Nicole said...

just curious if you have any of the weird side effects of ambien. there's been some interesting stuff reported after people have taken it and i wondered if you have any good stories. :)
as for lab--just remember that your new PI may not be the same as other PI's you've worked for in the past where one day makes or breaks you. stand up for yourself and remember that everyone has an off day. thank goodness we're graded on a larger scale than day to day...otherwise i'd be fired twice a week! *L*

Lisa said...

I agree with Cliff. Exercise isn't something we HAVE to do. It should be what you WANT to do. If you're not having fun with it, don't stress.

I hope that things get better for you! I had a crappy day yesterday, and things have started to turn around. They'll get better. They always do.

You used to live in Madison, I used to live in Orange County... we've swapped states. ;)

jessie_tri_mn said...

Ugh, I've been there. Give yourself a treat and get in a run or yoga or a massage. I know for me physical activity is sometimes the only thing that will drive me out of that vicious cycle.

Hang in there! Tomorrow will be a better day!

bunnygirl said...

How can it be a bad day if you started off by having breakfast with the bunnies?

I suggest you stock up on some raisins and Clif bars or protein bars to stash at the office for those days when you get too busy for lunch. That way you'll be sure to get something nutritious and tasty to eat and you won't have to stress yourself by looking all over for food only to end up eating something crappy that you hate.

And honestly, if you can avoid late coffee and especially sleeping meds, you'll probably be better off.

I'll quit being such a bossy little know-it-all now. I think we all go through these times when it seems we hardly have a minute to spare. You'll get a breather soon. :)

Rachel said...

thanks for all your comments. today is a much better day. i know about not drinking late-night coffee and then taking sleeping medication but sometimes knowing doesn't equal doing. anyhow, today is a new day, fresh start

Erin said...

hey ra! youd be proud of me, ive been going to the gym everyday and doing 20-30 minutes of cardio and weights and stuff. yeah, i think im going to keep it up too, its definately addicting. im so jazzed to come visit. i definately want to go kayaking and hiking outside and definately we should do some weights/pilates/yoga. you can make sure i do stuff and keep up my workouts when im down there. yay! im so excited. see you in a week!

diebenkorn said...

ra-ra, we are like the same person as far as being hard on ourselves and expecting superwoman achievements go. please take it easy because you deserve it!!!!! you are accomplishing so much and just know this, and be confident. ok? i know it's hard i do the same thing. =)

Tammy said...

Hey there! I (we?) feel your pain. Everyday used to be like this for me. The first thing to do to turn it around is accept that it's ok to have days like this. we all have them. Beating yourself up over it creates a cycle that feeds on itself. It's ok to have a crap day! :)

And the only other thing I will say is better breakfast. I find that starting my day with a healthy, high-cal meal sets a better tone. Especially include your omegas oils. Add walnuts of ground flaxseed to some oatmeal. Does wonders baby! Keep smilin'!!!

Kewl Nitrox said...

I'd like to give you advice on how not to fall into that trap, but the truth is that I am just as prone of these depression attacks that just seem to spiral downward in ever deepening gloom.

In light of that, isn't it great that every night God takes the mess we made of the day and gives us a bright new shiny one in the morning? Put what has transpired in the past and don't let yourself tell you that you cannot break out of it. Each day is a new day and a gift from God. Use it. I will try to do the same. :)