Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Confessions of guilt

I have to confess that I'm far from perfect. The problem is, I expect myself to be perfect. (And my sister thinks she's OCD). I took Monday and Tuesday off, and I feel overwhelmingly guilty about it. But when I got home, it felt so good just to lie down with the bunnies and watch t.v. So I did. And I've been eating ice cream sundaes (Rocky Road sprinkled with semi-sweet chocolate chips) and sometimes having several Pepperidge Farm cookies (double chocolate Milanos) on the same day. Then I feel guilty. When don't I feel guilty?
Problem is, no one seems to think it's important that I restrict sweets from my diet, or worry about my weight, my body, or how much I exercise. And I know I don't need to and some other people do; that's just genetics. But I do anyway. Sometimes I obsess. That's just me.
I've gotten a whole lot better since I've shifted my goals away from body image and more towards body function (races and triathlons). It's made me happier. But, like I said, I'm not perfect. There are days when I have body image issues and want to count every calorie. There are days when I push myself too hard for the wrong reasons. Sometimes, I expect myself to do 2-3 workouts/day 6 days/week. I feel like a failure if I don't do 3 runs, 3 bikes, 3 swims, and 2 workouts, plus stretching, plus bunny care, plus lab stuff (which always comes first). It's hard not to want to do everything all in one day.
For some reason, running cures all. I stopped what I was doing in lab (I have a ton to do so I'm in late tonight) and went for a run. Perfect weather (low 60s). Enough to be a little chilly in the beginning and not overheat once I got going. I just poured it out. Every inch of my body focused on go, go, go...speed, speed, speed. 4 miles of a trance-like state where I felt like I was flying. My muscles pounding on the ground. My lungs heaving, panting, gasping for air. I ran and then sprinted until I was red in the face. People gave me a curious look as I ran by, and I totally didn't care. Now, I feel calm. The anxiety is gone. I feel purged. That's what running can do for me.

6 comments:

G-Man said...

You know, the last 4 or 5 sentences of this post could almost be a description of excellent love making. And, with good sex, there is a similar calm that follows.
NOTE: this is not a "come on" by some sexual deviant who lurks in the darker corners of cyber space. Just an honest observation;)

Rachel said...

I don't know about the go, go, go. But I guess the pounding, being red in the face, and feeling peaceful afterwards all apply. Interesting analogy.

blake said...

Hi Rachel,
I was just cruising thru some of blogger and happened on your site. I felt compelled to post because I ate an entire pizza earlier today and then went for a run tonight. I had a similar feeling but it had to do with an adrenalie rush caused by a sketchy bum walking out of the shadows while I was running past. Funny how that can get you going too though. Anyways gl with your training!
-Blake

Rachel said...

A pizza followed by a run? Sounds like a recipe for gastric distress. How'd it go?
A sketchy guy in the shadows? There's nothing like running for your life! Although I much prefer to be the one giving chase.

blake said...

Oh the run went well. I am trying to enjoy each run now because later this summer even a 7 am run here is going to be unbearable. I'm not used to this heat even after ten months of it.
How long are your average runs if you don't mind me asking?

PS. The only chasing I've done recently has involved tequila and limes...

Rachel said...

Spring is so awesome for running with the weather and the longer days. Summers are incredibly unbearable in Missouri. It's pretty much 6 a.m. to exercise outdoors or treadmill running. I run more on the treadmill in the summer here than I do in the winter.
How long I run for depends on my schedule. I try to mix it up. I usually run 3-4x a week. My shortest runs are usually around 30-40 minutes (4 miles) and I like to throw in a long run of 8-10 miles every other week or so, which takes less than an hour and a half.