I have to confess that I'm far from perfect. The problem is, I expect myself to be perfect. (And my sister thinks she's OCD). I took Monday and Tuesday off, and I feel overwhelmingly guilty about it. But when I got home, it felt so good just to lie down with the bunnies and watch t.v. So I did. And I've been eating ice cream sundaes (Rocky Road sprinkled with semi-sweet chocolate chips) and sometimes having several Pepperidge Farm cookies (double chocolate Milanos) on the same day. Then I feel guilty. When don't I feel guilty?
Problem is, no one seems to think it's important that I restrict sweets from my diet, or worry about my weight, my body, or how much I exercise. And I know I don't need to and some other people do; that's just genetics. But I do anyway. Sometimes I obsess. That's just me.
I've gotten a whole lot better since I've shifted my goals away from body image and more towards body function (races and triathlons). It's made me happier. But, like I said, I'm not perfect. There are days when I have body image issues and want to count every calorie. There are days when I push myself too hard for the wrong reasons. Sometimes, I expect myself to do 2-3 workouts/day 6 days/week. I feel like a failure if I don't do 3 runs, 3 bikes, 3 swims, and 2 workouts, plus stretching, plus bunny care, plus lab stuff (which always comes first). It's hard not to want to do everything all in one day.
For some reason, running cures all. I stopped what I was doing in lab (I have a ton to do so I'm in late tonight) and went for a run. Perfect weather (low 60s). Enough to be a little chilly in the beginning and not overheat once I got going. I just poured it out. Every inch of my body focused on go, go, go...speed, speed, speed. 4 miles of a trance-like state where I felt like I was flying. My muscles pounding on the ground. My lungs heaving, panting, gasping for air. I ran and then sprinted until I was red in the face. People gave me a curious look as I ran by, and I totally didn't care. Now, I feel calm. The anxiety is gone. I feel purged. That's what running can do for me.