As usual, I've bitten off more than I can chew and overestimated how much I can do. I forget that there are only 24 hours in a day. I've been in lab about 12 hours a day for 2 weeks now. I'm drained of energy when I come home. Here it is Saturday, and I'm in lab. Saturday night, excuse me. The rest of the day, I volunteered for the House Rabbit Society and cleaned bunny cages.
Right now, my career is top priority. I need to do my best at these interviews. I leave for San Diego Thursday. 5 interviews, one right after the other. I've never done anything like this before. I'm terrified. I have a lot of preparation to do. Research the labs, prepare questions, predict questions, prepare a fluid talk, and do it for 5 very different labs.
At the same time, I have a very important, probably the most important, committee meeting on the 10th of May. They will tell me if I can defend in time to move with Jason to San Diego. Or, if I have to wait until later in the fall and stay in St. Louis while Jason begins his graduate program in San Diego. Or, if they have no fucking clue when I'm ever going to graduate. So, I have to prepare that talk, convince them I should go in August, and do as much goddamn possible research as I can between now and then to wow them with all my data. And pray that the adipocytes cooperate. The bastards. Differentiate! Differentiate! Please! I'll feed you extra serum. Anything. Anything.
So, my triathlon training has taken a backseat for now. God, my body is craving a good workout session. I want to be achy and sore and exhausted. Physically exhausted. I hate the achy and mental exhaustion. There's just not enough time in the day for everything.
All I can do is the best I can. I will do what I can. If I'm not in the shape I was in last summer, that's okay (and I'm not). I feel myself slipping away, and I have to let it go. I am confident I will get it all back and more once everything settles down into a pattern again. I have to be patient and fight this overwhelming anxiety that's been plaguing me; it exhausts me needlessly.
I'm worried about the triathlons I'm doing this season. My goal is just to finish and not die in the process. I won't be as strong as last year and I have to accept that. It's SO hard because I know I can be better. I'm not used to doing something at less than 100%. I try so hard to have my cake and eat it too; I hate picking and choosing. But I will have my cake and eat it too in the end. You'll see. Give it time.