Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Fighting the insanity

I'm going out of my mind. Stuck in lab again. Is it worth it? Will the experiment work? All for what? So I can go to San Diego and begin another whirlwind? Why do I do this to myself? I just fell asleep at my desk. I'm hungry and sick of my talk and sick of reading papers and sick of doing repeat experiments that never show the same thing twice, and I just want to have a day off.
My body feels like mush. I want to recharge. I was going to run today but never had the chance. I'm hoping to jump on the bike trainer tonight. God, I need to for my peace of mind. I need to muster up the energy. I'm so anxious about the trip, it's exhausting me.
Time keeps surging ahead, and the more I try to slow it down, the more it rushes out of control like pulling on the reins of a run-away horse. I can't remember the last time things seemed slow. I just keep trying to reach the proverbial finish line (these interviews; not death) before I literally break down. It's happened before. I will work myself into an illness. My body will finally make myself stop. I'll get some weird, devastating stomach bug and end up over the toilet for 3 days and be 10 pounds lighter. It's happened before. I can't afford to lose 10 pounds.
I'd like routine. Balance. To be able to workout again regularly. See what happens when I don't work out for a few days? It feeds my insanity. I think I'll be here well past midnight tonight. Better fill up the coffee pot. It's going to be a long one. I miss the buns.

7 comments:

G-Man said...

I'm certain that many people in your life want you to remain well; perhaps need you to remain well. Focus on the task and avoid evaluating yourself. Perhaps it is like the last few miles of a race when one's physical despair creates negative mind blocks that take focus from the goal. You are mentally tired and physically uncomfortable. That is OK and very normal given the place you are at academically. You are not a quitter and you know that this race is long from over. Be kind to yourself and accept the love and support only family and friends can give (and perhaps a few bunnies).

Rachel said...

I like the running analogy.

blake said...

Pardon my french but it sounds like you need to smoke a bowl.

blake said...

I would probably listen to gary though. That was good advice.

Rachel said...

I would love a good joint right about now. Have any?

blake said...

Of course. I don't smoke often but in stressed situations like you described, it's the best cure. Don't forget it's 4-20 today brah.

Erin Nicole said...

it's almost 4:20pm CST on 4/20...if ever there was a good time...