Monday, September 28, 2009

Hibernation

I've been AWOL lately. I guess I figured if I didn't have anything nice to say, I should remain mute. But the brutal honesty is ripping out of me. Right on schedule, Post-Ironman Blues, paid me a visit. Except that calling them something as quaint as "blues" is nothing short of a grossly underestimated euphemism. You'd think because I've been through this before, I'd have it mastered by now. Not the case. Maybe it's because this is the worst case of post-race "blues" I've ever had (read: depression). Perhaps it was the mix of being depleted from the Ironman, not exercising for a few weeks (which I rely on for my daily boost of serotonin), or the start of my off-season, or a mix of all three. Whatever the cause, I could barely see through the foggy haze of my chemically-depleted state. I desperately needed to exercise but couldn't muster the energy to leave the comfy depths of the pillows of the sofa that swallowed me. I was hell-bent on destroying every relationship that mattered to me as well (poor Brent). Dark thoughts plagued my mind, racing through my head endlessly. The only thing I could do was work. Preoccupying my brain with the multitude of minutiae that dominate in lab was soothing and numbing. Needless to say, I've gotten loads of work done. I'm tired of all the energy it takes for me to be happy. I've complained to my doctor and to my therapist. There has to be an easier way. I've decided to try anti-depressants. They have helped in the past. With any luck, a little chemical boost can make me feel like myself again (of course, for the past 2 weeks, I've just been suffering from nasty side effects). I'm still waiting. Am I happy yet? In the meantime, I've written up a new training plan, trying to keep me from getting totally derailed. Time to shock this body back into action and flood the brain with good ole' endorphins.

...Am I happy yet?

13 comments:

Kate said...

Hope the blues go away soon :)
Take care

bunnygirl said...

Pet a bunny and get better soon!

Leah said...

Ugh. Depression is awful. Been there. Antidepressants made a huge difference for me. I still have blues now and then but not the terrible lows. Feel better and know that you're not alone.

Freedom Runner//Liz said...

Thanks for your comment over at "mi casa" a few weeks back, and I'm sorry to hear about the post-IM depression! I've had this happen quite a bit, both race related and not. I'd encourage you to consider alternative treatments to anti-depressants. There are many herbal remedies that will help flush out the crap that makes you feel bad, whereas anti-depressants just put more crap in. I started an herbal regimen almost 2 years ago and have never felt better. The highs and lows are almost gone, and where they exist they are not so destructive. Drop me a line if you want more information. -Liz

Bob D said...

Attack it scientifically and hang in there! Hope you work through it quickly.

Nicole said...

Hang in there! They really helped my mom and my sis! You'll feel better in no time!

Grey Beard said...
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Grey Beard said...

If all else fails, redefine your goal. Make your goal what it has de'facto been for some time - the maintenance of a good psychological disposition. If Tri-ing and that are in conflict, choose the more appropriate goal. Kinda like me having to remind myself occasionally that controlling my blood pressure is my overarching goal.

hstryk said...

And this right here is why I never want to do an Ironman. Kudos to you for doing it! You are an inspiration! I just know the delicate balance that is my mental state could never withstand the Ironman itself not to mention the training and post-Ironman breakdown. I know physically I could get myself Ironman ready, but the mental strain is just, not for me. Life as it is is bearable, and the downs happen and it's workable. The stress of an Ironman, the 100mi alone on the bike, the 26.2mi alone running... I don't want to go where my mind will take me, and I'm okay with that. Sorry, "me me me" just something I've been thinking about.

Best of luck dealing with this dark period. Time is your best friend and worst enemy right now. Hang in there ;)

Tri Buddha said...

Hang in there. We have all been through it. I know I had a little hint of the post race blues the other week. I couldn't muster the energy to do anything....

Keep that chin up

Krista said...

Brave of you to share this. I know a lot of people experience depression - both race related and not - and it always helps to put it out in the open. I hope you are feeling better soon!

Renee said...

Ugh, I am so sorry. I know this must be miserable. I know you used to ride horses....why don't you find a barn in the area and go for a few rides? It might be just the thing to help get you excited about doing something different. Plus, horses don't tell anyone if you need to cry in their mane for awhile.

Grey Beard said...
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