Wednesday, February 04, 2009

Cycling Phrases

"I'm out of shape"
Translation: I ride 400 miles a week and haven't missed a day since the Ford administration. I replace my 11-tooth cog more often than you wash your shorts. My body fat percentage is lower than your mortgage rate.

"I'm not into competition. I'm just riding to stay in shape"
Translation: I will attack until you collapse in the gutter, babbling and whimpering. I will win the line sprint if I have to force you into oncoming traffic. I will crest this hill first if I have to grab your seat post and spray energy drink in your eyes.

"I'm on my beater bike"
Translation: I had this baby custom-made in Tuscany using composites blessed by the Pope. I took it to a wind tunnel and it disappeared.
It weighs less than a fart and costs more than a divorce.

"It's not that hilly"
Translation: This climb lasts longer than a presidential campaign. Be careful on the steep sections or you'll fall over -- backward. You have a 39x23 low gear? Here's the name of my knee surgeon.

"This is a no-drop ride"
Translation: I'll need an article of your clothing for the search-and- rescue dogs.

"It's not that far"
Translation: Bring your passport


Translation: Check on your life insurance policy and leave a parting note to your loved ones.


Melanie said...

LOL, love this post! Very funny:D

don said...

Hilarious (and yet so true!)


Anonymous said...

This is so, so very funny!! Really made me laugh. :)

Benson said...

I'm on my beater bike.
Love it.

Colleen said...

That's awesome! I love the line "It weighs less than a fart and costs more than a divorce." Too cute!

teacherwoman said...

Those are great. Makes me crave the warm weather and open roads.

Diana said...

Ah yes, the famous "3 hour tour"!
Very funny!

Anonymous said...

"I'm not into competition" LOLOL
My greatest joy in the last year was hammering some 20-something guy about 6'20" tall into the road after already doing 50 miles and 4,000ft of climb. The third time I chased him down he cracked.

I looked back going over the Sunrise foot bridge. He was bent over coughing blood into the drinking fountain. Good thing I'm old and sedate ;-)

untpawgal02 said...

Love the last one the most!

JP Flores said...

Those are great.

LG said...

this is hilarious!! and spot on!