Snapshot

I have a lot going on right now. I have so much I want to say and lots more to come but here's a snapshot. Later, I will post on my trip, Thanksgiving, and the race report for the Berbee Derby. Overall, I can say it was cold. I don't know how those of you that live in the rest of the country do it. I can't do winter. Anyway, more on that later

I'm busy. Moving, fellowship writing, the holidays, IM training, Oscar...(more on that later but it's not good). Sometimes being busy is good. I work best under pressure. When you have so much to do the choice is either to get it done or implode, fall apart and do nothing. One thing is different. I am maintaining balance. I'm doing it for me. I think it will be better in the long run.

We hit the ground running on Sunday. After we landed in San Diego, we re-visited the new apartment to make sure. Signed the lease. Went to our current apartment and broke the lease. Got boxes from lab for packing. Unpacked from our trip, went grocery shopping. And collapsed. I've never slept so well.

Monday, I woke up refreshed at 6:30. That was amazing. Went to the pool and slogged myself through a fly workout. Still, it felt good. I'm in the "get it done" mode for my workouts. Quality doesn't matter right now since I've lost fitness. I just want to maintain my schedule.

Since I had to present for lab meeting Tuesday morning, that sucked up the rest of my day (so did taking Oscar to the vet). Squeezed a massage in Monday night before going home and working on my presentation. I made myself stop at 11:00 pm. I wasn't as prepared as I would have liked but lab meeting is supposed to be informal. A few years ago, I would have worked on it until 3:00 am. I would have perfected a speech. Sometimes, that's still necessary. But not for this. I'm learning to prioritize.

Woke up early again Tuesday morning (yes!) and squeezed in a quick session on the trainer (Spinerval Time Trial DVD). I sucked. I had nothing. I just focused on finding a gear where I could maintain a 90 rpm and a perceived effort below "throwing up" (not easy). Some days are like that. Got through that, picked up bagels for the lab meeting and did the presentation. Didn't go as badly as I thought. Plus, I got a lot of tips for my fellowship.

Even though I was crazy busy in lab, I forced myself to stop and go to Yoga. I knew it would help. It was a tough session. My muscles quivered and felt like rubber at the end. But it was a great release. Midst the frenzy of life spinning round me, I can create stillness in mere moments during the span of just 1 hour. I relished in focusing on each pose and breathing into my body, thinking about nothing else but my muscles, the tension melting away, and my breath. Afterwards, I leaped back into the fast-paced slipstream of my day.

After speaking to the vet that afternoon, I had an even harder time focusing. I did my best. Focusing on getting things done helps me cope. It feels better to act, move, do something. It gives me the illusion that I'm not helpless; that my actions are not futile. Went to the podiatrist, picked up my orthotics.

At this point, I was going through the motions. I had my running clothes on though, and my running shoes. I parked the car at the apartment and forced one foot in front of the other towards the Rose Canyon Trail. Soon, I was sprinting. Running away from everything. Running into stillness.It felt good to run hard. To run until it hurt a little. A release. I poured my anger, my angst, my sorrow into that run, leaving a little bit on the pavement with each angry footstrike. A numbness crept over me, and I felt the heat warm my body. My feet glided effortlessly beneath me. I felt disembodied as if I was atop a sleek steed galloping beneath me, pulling me forward. I floated above my body, lost in the absence of thought. I glanced at my watch. I had 30 minutes to make it to the turn-around before sunset. I was glad for the excuse to run fast. I made it in 20. As I returned, darkness engulfed the canyon, leaving only the pale pink sky. I didn't care. I kept running, seeking out the comfort of the shadows. The trail in front of me was a pale gray. I felt no pain. Only warmth, relief, peace...acceptance.

Afterwards, I tried to eat dinner but my stomach hurt too much for food. I spent the night petting Oscar before falling into a deep, dreamless sleep under the warmth of the down covers.